Right now I'm sitting here, and am trying to recollect my thoughts on what to type. It's been a great summer. God has blessed me with some great experiences, that have resulted in lovely memories, and hopefully will further bloom into Christ glorying work...Thank God, for all the great things He has supplied this past summer...But of course, there has been the conflict, the strife, the pondering...Life just wouldn't be life on earth, without some of that I suppose. Something I've been thinking a lot about lately, and not just lately, but over the past year and a half..is 'decision making'. Another thing I've been trying to overcome, is some sort of apathy, or perhaps lack of confidence, in my faith. And the reason for that has not exactly been of my own doing. Last fall I endured a"ex-communication" from a friend. There was a misunderstanding, and ultimately the friendship dissipated into a ever present 'guilt memory'. No fun. It hurts to be judged wrong, and it hurts to give your affection and realize that you "walked on broken glass" (see other blog post). Even though God worked it all out, for my good, and the better of the other person...the worst thing about the whole cynario is that since then I've felt like I've fallen out from my cloud in the sky and landed on the cement; because I realized, what we all realize at one time or another of our lives, that if we do not study God's word, hear it, or fellowship, we don't grow very deep in Faith. For Faith comes from hearing, and hearing from the word of God ...Secondly I was affected by another close conflict. Something even more 'home-hitting'. Just when I was getting to hear the word of God, fellowship with others, and grow some more in my faith, I was basically kicked in the stomach by un-christian teaching, and statements that broke me down to sitting limp on the cold wood floor. And even right now, as I'm writing this, I'm realizing a few very important things...
1. Things don't remain the same. We all grow and change.
2. Don't let other people's remarks, lies, and lack of care, destruct your faith, or make you believe
that you are less than God says that you are.
3. God can use what you go through to glorify Him, but only if you let Him do so...
don't be afraid to be honest about yourself, even if that means you are beaten,
bruised, broken, apathetic or doubtful.
Back to the topic of 'decision making'. Sometimes it's just plain hard. Sometimes there isn't really anyone to turn to for sound advice, sometimes all you have is thoughts and personal boundries in your head. It's not easy. It's certainly not all that fair. Sometimes the choices seem extremely small compared to the larger more common ones of life, but you know deep inside that they are 'just' as important. We all have the questions "what is my purpose?" "what is love?" "what is faith?" "what will I do?" "who will I marry?" these sort of questions...and we are plauged with decisions and choices that will determine a good bit of our futures. We try not to associate with those we know are not good for us to, we try to work hard and accomplish something with our days, we try to draw closer to Christ by listening to him...but it's not always easy. Like the choice between sitting and listening to God, or instead going to a friend, or making a phone call or not making that phone call, or letting yourself become attached to someone that you might shouldn't, but there is no one else...these sort of decisions, the ones that aren't "black and white", and aren't "talked about as often". I'm a believer in the fact that "little decisions" are important in our lives. God is the only one we can go to with these things that can't really be understood by others in our lives...God sees the bigger picture. What we need is the faith to believe that He truly does, and that as much as life is about choices, between the good, the bad, and the best...God is the giver, and holder, of all the "best".
"So God, please lead us in our decisions, please give us guidance in our moments of misunderstanding, give us hope and the faith in times of uncertainty and worry. God please show us how to redirect our thoughts to you, and to live is the fullness of who you'd have us to be on this earth. Cause...we it seems that more than anything, we are striving, to just 'be what we have been created to be', and what we've been 'destined to be'. Our lives are filled with struggle and a fight for Identity. God, and as much as you want us to fight for the 'best' in our lives, please, don't let us forget that this life isn't 'about us', it's not all about 'our happines' etc...not even all about 'our choices'. It's all about You. And once we get our eyes off of ourselves, once we stop our pondering for awhile, and realize that truly, 'you' are all we need focus on and fight, for...then, we lose some of that unnessary, all consuming, striving. That even though there are good things that we should also stand up for, and "go hard" for, we aren't "on this earth" to 'demand, or claim, un-scared, smooth surfaced lives'. Instead we should surrender all our hurts, let downs, emotions, feelings, and decisions...to You. You make the beauty in our lives. It is in You, that we live, we move, and have our being. Holy, holy, holy, is the Lord God Alimighty, who was, and is, and is to come. Forgive us our unessesary striving, and selfishness. We look to You. "