Thursday, October 25, 2012

A Longing Heart: Prose

When there aren't any words, there is a pause in my heart. When there aren't any words, there is a pause in my soul. I can feel it, like a great distancing, I can fill it like the tide that never came in. But, I can't...I just can't wait for the tide...If I don't have words, I don't have my life. Oh, I know, I know where the creativity comes from, I know, I know where the lyrics start. I know, I know, where my sanity comes's sown and harvested in your heart. And I've tried to understand it, I've tried to keep on going, but without your divine inspiration, I can feel my gears slowing. Why don't I just go for a reload in fuel? Why do I run it out to the very last gallon? It's as if the station was a fragment of my imagination, I know it's there, but I keep on racing.

But I know life is not a 'rat race', yet I try to believe it to be true...If only I didn't feel the constant ignition in my mind to just do, do, do. And it's not the same as being active like an athlete, it's deep down in my stomach, where no one can see it. It's a churning for fulfillment, like a hamster on his wheel; he runs to no goal in sight, and yet he can't stop for what is real. I know what it all comes down to, I know what it is I seek. It's the truth that I need to ignite me, it's love that I need to calm me, and slow me down to breathe. Cause deep down inside I'm like the hamster on his wheel, I need the gospel to cut past my bubble, and take me further than I feel.

Nothing can fill, but Jesus himself. You can travel the world, ride high on a balloon, or even mount an elephant, but nothing can fill the heart that longs for it's true love, no nothing, it just can't. You can run away from your making,you can try to escape, but there will always be a timer ticking in your soul, just waiting for the day...

  I've heard that God is beckoning from His place on high, and that He comes down to every man and can open up his eyes. I've seen the Master's hand, I've read the words so true...yet why is it that every once in awhile I feel the weight of what it's like with only a "gallon" of you? It's ridiculous in a way, cause why don't I just take the time to fill? I get frustrated at our connection when, it's only my own time that I've got to kill. And I've made myself a servant of my own demand of your time, and I repent for my doubts, as if it's all required to fit 'my' own mind. But, perhaps you could have mercy and consider where I am? Sometimes I wish I'd just shut up, and wait patiently on your hand. And if I had the choice, I know I'd pick your majesty, but you know that I'm selfish and could tend to worship the 'produce' instead of the 'Guarantee'.

So here I am again, my only truly devoted friend. Your lovely, and your awesome, and yet I stand here with empty hands. And in times of darkness I have doubted that you want to fill my heart, but when I look back on those moments, I think it was truly my 'self' that reflected on what I thought was 'your' part.  Please open up your word, open up these eyes, and run away the complacency, run away the lies. I'm a sick soul, without the grace to fill, I'm a blank canvas, with a gaudy frame. Because no matter how much I run, no matter how  much I scrape, all my ambitions will only work to make the 'filler' and not the 'cake'.

And I don't want to live a life that's 'meatless', a life without the 'weight', I don't want to build up my own world, and not your body...for your name's sake. And I sometimes I wish it was instantaneous, like you could just breathe it into me, and then I see the endurance, the patience it takes to get down and stay on my knees. And I want a balanced faith, I don't want it all to be too easily attained, but God please have mercy and don't stay away too long, cause It's hard to trust that I'll wake up out of the 'distancing' game.

A heart of longing deep inside...a heart wanting to lay down the pride...a heart that needs you to I am...make it rehabilitation...let me remember the joy of my salvation...God I ask for a heavenly visitation...just You...take it from's my doubts, here's my away the lies, and open these new skies...the horizon awaits, and I know it's there...a purpose, and fulfillment in you...that doesn't die 'anywhere'. And take this longing heart, and make it into a piece or art. Be the produce of my life, and paint it with your colors. That everywhere I may leave a trail or reflections of Your light...that the colors may be bright...and point to you.

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